My subscription to Life expired, but I still have a subscription to Mad.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Surfin' Hammin', But No Truckin'

Your editor sort of gets into the holiday spirit with this week's installment of Surfin' entitled "Hammin', But No Truckin'." You can read it here and comment on it back here.


  1. Aw, Stan...take the plunge and buy a pickup truck. You needn't go for turbocharging, 4WD or "big and stoopid truck tahrs" under the fenders. Just groove along with a "gimme" ball cap with your truck's brand on the crown.

    Up in your part of the world, you'll need a few sacks of sand to mainatin traction in the snow and ice.

    Get a couple of plastic Dairy Crates (they're behind every convenience store...wait until the Graveyard Shift comes on) to carry your two extra quarts of oil (which you'll now pronounce, "awl"), jumper cables, extra air filters and DC-powered tire inflator..all the junk you no longer have a Trunk to carry, and which are too grotty to put in the cab.

    You'll need a bumper sticker or two, preferably extolling the virtues of country music or the sheer diabolical nature of Osama bin Laden. One you might particularly like says: "YES, THIS IS MY TRUCK. NO, I WILL NOT HELP YOU MOVE!"

    I have one on my Honda Ridgeline which proclaims: "As a matter of fact, I DON'T have enough antennas on my truck!"

    You'll want to go Dual Battery, so that you can run all your mobile transceivers simultaneously with the headlights and the aftermarket stereo, which should be rated in KW.

    Extra points for arguing the merits of the various Optima batteries with the good old boys down at the NAPA store. "I got me a BLUE top...wouldn't have one of them stinkin' Yellow Tops in MY truck!"

    Ah, and please don't forget the mandatory NFL Team Logo license plate frame...preferably emblazoned with the livery of a team which hasn't even been in the same hemisphere as a Super Bowl game since Curt Gowdy's time.

    And, of course, that warm feeling you get, knowing that you're doing YOUR 16 MPG best to keep PetroProfits up!

  2. You never will know how many "friends" you have until you purchase a truck. You get invited to lots of social events such as "want to come over for a barbque this weekend? Bring the truck I need to move a refrigerator first".